slipperylppery6 (slipperylppery6) wrote,

finally some closure

Dear Ken,

You are my birth father, but nothing more to me anymore.  I have a dad and he takes very good care of me.  I am writing this not to upset you, but to let you know that I am okay, more than okay, I am happy and I live a great life.

Recently mom asked me if I was ever going to forgive you, and while I said "no" right away, the question has lingered in my mind.  The conclusion that I have come to is that no, I cannot forgive you. But I do not wish bad on you.  I do not like the things you have said and done in the past and for me to try and forge a relationship with you would be too hard, too hurtful and not healthy for me.  I used to say I was waiting for the day Spencer and Tyler had the same feelings for you, because then they would understand why I was not present in their younger years.  That was selfish and childish of me.  I hope you are able to maintain a healthy relationship with my brothers for the rest of their lives, for their sake and for yours.

I work in a nursing home and I see people who have dementia, mental illness or who are just plain mean.  I see people who have children that will not come visit them or have anything to do with them because of things that have happened in the past.  But I love them.  The man who drank himself into dementia by the age of 62 and who acts out all day, I love hearing his stories of the past whether they are true or not. I can smile warmly at him when his clothes are mismatched and dirty from lunch. I am not embarrassed when he makes a sexually inappropriate comment about me because he  truly does not know any better. I do not know all of his history, but I do not judge him for what I do know. His three sons cannot love him right now, but I can and I do every day.

Loving these people when they have others who cannot, this has taught me a lesson.  It has helped me bring peace and closure into my situation with you.  I cannot love you, but I truly hope and believe that there will be someone out there who can.  I have learned that love and family have nothing to do with blood.   I am going to let myself off the hook now for being unhappy with you, and be content with that fact that I can share my love with these people, and that someday you will find yourself someone, who knows, maybe a social worker, who can love you.
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