Today is my 21st birthday. i can't sleep. i have so much going on in my life and in my head. henry and i are fighting. big time. this may lead to a break up. its not that i want to break up with him, but i am just so sick of drinking and partying always meaning more than me. is it so bad for a girl to want her boyfriend to take her on a date once a weekend? especially if she doesn't see him all week? i am not paying 500$ to have my car here just to go party with him. thats who i am. take it or leave it. i understand he is a party person and i accept that, but if he doesnt have time for me or cant make time for me then i dont know if it is really worth it. i am so sick of this feeling. the feeling of never being enough. yesterday i wanted to cut again. like really bad. i havent had those feelings in such a long time. fuck all the guys who have ever made me feel this way. i know i am young and i expect a lot more drama and heartbreak in my life before i find the person i want to marry, but henry and i were just so real. it was actually healthy. i am ready to move to a different point in my life, to grow up some, and he isnt. i thought that would change after his drunk car accident and totaling his car but i guess not. i miss grandpa. i miss writing good poetry. i finally am starting to feel close and have fun with my friends again. maybe i need something extra in my life like religion. i just don't know. wi my father send me a card today? will my brothers even know its my birthday? i just dont think so. i want one great day to be about me.